It is never comfortable to be humbled. Lately I’ve been humbled at the hands of many. As I get old, I make more mistakes and as I try harder to earn some extra money, I only end up loosing in the long run. The adjective to describe my actions lately is useless or looser.
I’m a forgotten person. My brothers have forgotten me. As I get older they forget me more each year. As I reach out to talk to them they shrink back and avoid me.
I’ve written several books, few sell, fewer reviews even still. I have given up on trying to reach anyone as it seems no one cares what I have to say.
More recently I took to creating art for sell, in the hopes of raising some extra income. Investing some money into the process, I’ve had the unfortunate reality that no one wants my art. No matter how hard I try I end up failing.
Writing music was another side opportunity. I had a small following, but the listernship doesn’t buy my work… so again the music, while fun to produce as a hobby can’t help with the bills. Again I feel the failure.
Four times failure and more. It mounts and mounts. People turn on me unexpectedly. Recently I had a long time friend ask for some technical advice online. I answered his question, and within a few comments he started cussing at me in comments… pushing his anger on me. Rather than fight him, I walked away, disconnecting from him.
I’m reminded of Crowley’s quote from Liber LXV:
“Thou art the Lord of Glory and the unclean dog.”
My humility has brought me low… to the state of the unclean dog – the state of humility.
Understanding and Interpretation
There is another aspect to me that I also know to exist, the greater, formless self that expands into my own universe – this is the Lord of Glory.
A mistake is to consider one for the other. The human state can never be the Lord of Glory, it is reserved for the state of expansion. To become it one must identify with that which is beyond.
Acknowledging the pain of others, the loss of respect, the loss of income, the failures of the past – this all helps detangle the human aspect from the expansive. It separates the unclean dog state from the Lord of Glory state. Once separate. Becoming the greater is made possible by letting go of the lower. Not in its destruction, but in releasing it from our identification.